Puffy Heart Filled with Rocks

“3/16/13

“Dear God,

“Here’s the latest. My new year’s resolution, while I’d like to keep it, doesn’t have to kept. If I stick to it just to stick to it, I’m being a legalist. You see, there’s a girl I’m very interested in. Her name is ___(for her privacy)___.

“I don’t know what will become of it. I don’t know if she’s even interested. Part of me doesn’t want her to be, because a relationship isn’t practical right now. School starts in five months and all my time and money needs to go towards that. However, if it’s meant to be, it’ll work out somehow. You, God, are sovereign and You will work it out.

“Another part wants her to be interested. She’s the most godly girl I’ve ever met. Beautiful inside and out. Whoever ends up marrying her one day will be the luckiest guy on earth. The world is in need of more women like her. Bless her future marriage.

“If we’re meant to be, grow my desire. If not, kill it asap. I don’t want to waste time, energy, or emotions—mine or hers.

“Guide me and continue to prepare me for my future wife. I can’t wait to meet her. (Maybe I already have…only You know.)

“I love You, Lord! Whatever happens, keep my focus on You and don’t let me fall like last time. I’m living for Your glory.

“—Josh W.”

Thus I prayed a week ago and I’ve learned a ton since then. Here’s the rundown: I have a hard, prideful heart. I would have realized neither if the girl situation hadn’t happened.

She wants to be solely friends. I found out less than 28 hours after writing the prayer last Saturday. The point is that God killed my desire asap, just as I asked.

I was in the middle of reading The Discipline of Grace, by Jerry Bridges, at the time and this quote has been lodged in my mind ever since. “One further discipline is still absolutely necessary in the process of sanctification—the discipline of adversity or hardship. Adversity is not a discipline we undertake ourselves, but is imposed on us by God as a means of spiritual growth…The purpose of the discipline of adversity, then, is to make us more holy” (218). He goes on to write: “This does not necessarily mean a particular hardship is related to a specific act or habit of sin in our lives. It does mean that every expression of discipline has as its intended end conformity to the likeness of Christ” (223).

One of my friends made the comment, “Josh’s heart is like a diamond—it can’t get broken,” because he was trying to help me feel better about the girl situation not working out. I thought about it for a few minutes and I realized that regardless of whether or not a girl breaks my heart (this one didn’t) my heart doesn’t break when it should. I am a sinful creature and God has forgiven me; I should mourn over the sin in my life, but I don’t, because my heart has become hardened to the weight of sin. Luke 8:6, 13 says, “Other seed fell on the rock; when it sprang up, it withered, since it lacked moisture…And the seed on the rock are those who, when they hear, welcome the word with joy. Having no root, these believe for a while and depart in a time of testing.” I believe I’m in the good soil (as a believer in Christ) but there is truth to the fact that sometimes the ground dries up and turns into a rock (or weeds pop up at other times). Tears are moisture, and they water the ground so it doesn’t become a rock. My life lacks moisture, so I need to ask God to break my heart for what breaks His. If the girl situation hadn’t happened, my friend wouldn’t have made the comment and I wouldn’t have realized this truth.

Secondly, I’m prideful. What happened was this: several weeks ago my friend told me that the girl was interested in a godly guy (at our workplace I assumed). My prideful heart told me, “I’m the most godly guy I know, so it’s got to be me.” This brings up Proverbs 16:18, which reads, “Pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall.” If I’d never fallen for the girl, I wouldn’t have realized how prideful I am. My prayer used to be, “God, be merciful to me, the sinner” (Luke 18:13, NASB). When did I fall from that to think I’m super godly? Romans 12:3 explains that, “For by the grace given to me, I tell everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he should think. Instead, think sensibly, as God has distributed a measure of faith to each one.” I was thinking of myself way too highly, and not being sensible at all. It led to a fall, but that’s for another time.

God, thank You for Your gace every day. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. I’m sick of being prideful and hard hearted. Keep me humble and repentant. I love You. Thank for teaching me these practical truths that I’ve been ignoring. It took falling for a girl to show me, but I’m glad You allowed it to happen. Thank You for letting us remain friends; she’s a great girl. I’m very glad I know her. As spoken above, her future husband is going to be one lucky guy. Bless her marriage. Prepare me for my future wife. Amen.