Starting from the Bottom?

So 2016 is at an end in less than five hours. What a year it’s been. Like really, I don’t have a clue how else to put it. Starting out, I was so confident that it was going to be a good year, but less than one month in it quickly went south.

Depression hit worse than it had ever been since at least high school as early as the middle of January. February was very dark due to the depression. By the middle of March, my girlfriend dumped me because I was too depressed. April and May were a serious struggle to escape the depression. June was probably the most positive month. July initiated another set of bad luck: I started talking to a girl from a very controlling church who judged me hardcore along with the rest of her church for struggles Jesus was actively taking out of my life. August saw the end of that friendship and depression settle in yet again. By the end of September the depression was stronger than ever before. October saw my ex from the beginning of the year start dating my roommate—they are engaged now too—which meant, for all practical purposes, the end of a friendship (he’d been the first one I called when she broke up with me). November was when things started to improve (see two paragraphs from here), but the depression was always much too close. December saw me move from Bolivar, MO to Springfield, MO, and the stress of the move, with the holiday season and working full time, has been tough.

As for my goals for 2016, given the incredible amount of depression this year and working full-time all year, it was not as productive as I hoped. I did move to Missouri officially, I did find a good job—much better than expected actually—and I did keep up with this blog. However, while I started the year working out, by August I wasn’t working out at all; while I wrote a short story in January, I failed most of the rest of the year. My CD is still not finished. The fourth draft of Stranded has yet to be finished. My Romans 7 paper was organized, but I haven’t written a single word more of it since December of 2014. Oh, and given the break up in March, I not only was kept from pouring into that relationship, but I was estranged from a lot of other relationships.

However, at the same time, 2016 has not been a total waste. Given the fact that I now have a great job, I have also met a lot of awesome people. Between people I serve at work, and people I work with, my days are never exempt from time with people. Immediately before the breakup, I got to fellowship with the leadership of my home church in California at the 2016 Shepherd’s Conference. Of all of 2016, that was one of the three greatest highlights. The next one was in November when I got to celebrate my childhood best friend’s wedding celebration with him as his best man. Along with that, I got to spend a few days with my family (and my cats) that week. The third highlight was Thanksgiving. And sure, it was only one day, but I got to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in four years.

While I lost friends, I gained many more, some of whom I never would have met or invested in if my relationship with her hadn’t ended (like a guy I met tonight in Springfield at Starbucks as I wrote this). Also, I’m very excited for my best friend from SBU to return to the states in about a week. Finally, I got a cat today, so that’s fun. (I hope he’s a little more comfortable with the place by the time I get home this evening.)

With a year that has too easily been focused on the negatives, it’s much too easy to say, “There’s nowhere to go but up from here.” However, that thinking is so wrong. While the following verse got me through the depression this year, it is so much more valid than just as a “keep on going” verse: “The righteous one will live by his faith” (Habakkuk 2:4b).

The truth is, I am not righteous because I keep going. I am not righteous by anything in myself. While the popular song, “we started from the bottom but now we’re here,” could be understood as describing where I’m starting in 2017, I cannot allow myself to take that attitude. Since I don’t make myself righteous, God has already set me in the heavens with Himself (cf. Ephesians 2:4-9). This needs to be my attitude going forward. I cannot allow myself to be defeated by regret or by fear. God loves me; God chose me; God is protecting and guiding me. All I must do is follow Him.

So 2017… Here’s my goals: follow Jesus so closely I am covered with Him.

Ultimately if I accomplish that I don’t care if I fail in every other area. But here’s some other things I’d like to accomplish:

·         Love God’s people well

·         Keep up on this blog

·         Finish Stranded—completely done

·         Finish my new CD

·         Finish another book (it’s a secret)

·         Write a short story every quarter (a month is too short)

·         Work out more regularly than I did this year

·         Follow God’s leading regarding the next chapter of my life (to stay in Missouri, or move home, or to take a different, third option)

But that’s where I’m at on the eve of 2017. God is good; He’s led me this far; He will continue to lead. I just need to follow and obey.

Soli Deo Gloria

Years Go; Years Come

So, 2015 is about to be over. Eight hours from now, it will be over. And looking back, I must say that it has been one of the best years, if not the best year, of my entire life. I finished undergraduate college at Southwest Baptist University (SBU) in Bolivar, Missouri with a Bachelor’s degree in Biblical Studies. I moved into my first apartment (complete with three other roommates). I worked full time in Bolivar, Missouri for the SBU grounds crew all summer, before beginning my final semester there. I preached expositionally through the book of Jude at a church this past fall (sure, it’s a short book, and it took three weeks, but you’ve got to start somewhere). These were all new things. And then, I began pursuing the heart of a wonderful Christian woman whose heart for others is enviable (and we’re coming up on two months officially in about a week); this was also kind of new.

But then on a more important note, my relationship with the Lord has grown by leaps and bounds this year. I have come to understand on a much more personal level—through the books of Mark and Hebrews specifically—exactly who Jesus is and what He did and what He does now. When that reflective study ended in late May, I continued my hunt for a more intimate knowledge of Jesus by reading through each of the gospels several more times throughout the rest of the year. In reading a book on Christian meditation—puritan style—I was heavily convicted of my lack of a reflective prayer life based out of Scripture and I was pushed to improve in this area. Wouldn’t you know it, but right after my prayer life started improving, I was faced with a crisis of belief: am I a believer? does God want me to serve Him? should I be interested in a certain girl? will I ever really be out of certain sin patterns? and the list goes on. With my new found tool of praying through Scripture passages, I was able to confront those questions head on and answer them, which God used to lead me to move to a different church than the one I had been attending the previous year I had spent in Bolivar, Missouri. And as far as old sin struggles go, by the grace of God this year has been the best I’ve ever had in victory, and by the grace of Christ that victory will continue indefinitely into the future. God is good.

But despite all that, I know, and am reminded daily, that I can still continue to improve my relationship with the Lord. My prayer life can still get better. My trust in God’s provision for me can increase. My reliance on the Holy Spirit’s power as opposed to my willpower can increase. My selfishness—which comes out in all new ways, I’ve seen, when in a dating relationship—needs to die. Frustrations and anger, aimed primarily at my parents ever since high school, are unfortunately not as dead as I hoped, so I must continue murdering that sin. I also need to officially join the church I’m at in Missouri.

So the bolded phrases above are spiritual areas in which I’m called to work this next year. But on a less spiritual level, I have several other personal goals for 2016:

·         Move to Missouri officially (happening January 16)

·         Find a good job in the Bolivar-Springfield area

·         Work out regularly (focusing on upper body)

·         Keep up on this blog J

·         Write a short story every month (to keep creative juices flowing; they’ll be posted on the blog)

·         Put out a new CD before mid-March (preferably before February 29)

·         Finish at least 2 drafts (preferably 3 so it can be “done”) of my novel Stranded

·         Make headway on a huge paper (likely a book) about Romans 7:7-8:17

·         And more important than everything after finding a job: pour into the wonderful relationship God has been gracious enough to give to me at this point in my life, never forgetting to thank Him for her.

Now, lest anyone think that the last one is more important than a job, I can’t survive without a job, and I can’t ever hope to move away from being just in a dating relationship if I don’t have a job. But that’s not on my radar for 2016; I’m just going to strive to grow the friendship, seek to put selfishness in my heart to death, and by God’s grace enjoy every moment with her to the fullest capacity possible.

Well, I’ve been rambling long enough. The following lyrics inspire my prayer for 2016 (because they were playing as I tied this thing up here):

It falls, apart,

from the very start,

it falls apart,

seems like everything i touch, falls apart,

everything around me, falls apart,

when i walk away from You.

That’s Thousand Foot Krutch’s “Falls Apart,” and I’ve found it very true in my own life. More so in the last six months than ever before. If I cling to Jesus like the woman with the flow of blood in Luke 8, my faith will be strong, but if I walk away, even unintentionally, my life feels like it’s in shambles. My ultimate goal for 2016, and my prayer, is that I would go where God wants me to go, do what He asks me to do, say what He tells me to say, and love how He’s loved me.

Happy 2016!

Soli Deo Gloria

Biblical Manhood 5--Live in Love to be a Real Man

2013 is at an end. This means that my Biblical manhood study is as well—at least in a purposeful sense. I may well come back to it at some point. However, I have learned many things that I totally realize I do not do well enough, but God’s grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9), and with it I will improve. From January 1st, where I learned initially that Biblical men are to be strong and courageous (which I can definitely improve on), to April 18th, where I learned that Biblical men trust God’s promises (which I can use work on), to August 4th, where I learned that Biblical men are ready for the Lord’s return (which I need to pray for more), to September 25th, where I learned that Biblical men are controlled by God (which is by no means an excuse to sin), to December 21st, where I learned that Biblical men repent (which I need to grow in). My study took me from the book of Joshua, to Ruth, Job, and the “Minor” Prophets. From there I went much slower—starting on February 16th—and made it through Acts, Genesis, Luke, Judges, 1 & 2 Samuel, and finally, 2 Chronicles—finishing on December 28th.

With only three days left in the year, I stopped, but today, I felt called to 1 Corinthians 16:13-14. This passage sums up everything I have read this whole year in the realm of Biblical manhood. In addition, it’s ironic because my dorm at school adopted this passage as their theme.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 16:13-14, “Be alert, stand firm in the faith, act like a man, be strong. Your every ⌊action⌋ must be done with love.”

Biblical men do everything in love. Evangelism, parenting, preaching, sin-fighting, doctrine-correcting, must all be done in love. Christians are to be known by their love, so Biblical men must be loving.

This verse is huge. It does not, by any means, mean that Biblical men are to be sissies. Love is one of the hardest things to truly do, and our culture is slowly working to destroy it. For Christian men to truly live in love, we will combat the culture. In the verse, we are given four commands: be alert, stand firm, act like a man, be strong. We are told to do all of this in love. Jesus said Himself in John 13:35 that, “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” Allow me to elaborate.

Be alert. This means that we must be on guard. Guards must be in place against temptation, false beliefs, and anything else that will distract us from God. Doctrine-correction comes in here; it must be done with love. I’ve been studying the book of Jude the past few weeks, and its whole point is to warn against false teaching. First Peter 3:15-16 says, “[H]onor the Messiah as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you. However, do this with gentleness and respect.” It’s specifically speaking of evangelism, but doctrine correction (“debates”) comes in the same way. We must do it in love, but keep ourselves alert to falsities.

Stand firm. This means that since we are believers, we can’t impinge on our beliefs. We have to hold to them. People look to us and how we act. Firmness must be held in actions so we are not called hypocrites. However, in so doing we must still be loving. Homosexuality is a good example of this. We must be firm in the fact that it is a sin, but we must be loving in how we go about telling them. We can’t be Westboro Baptist. We have to love the sinner enough to share God’s grace with them—which includes the fact that sin must and will be punished—and pray that God grants them salvation. However, we must stand firm in our beliefs.

Act like a man. This includes right relationships with brothers in Christ, right relationships with women, and right relationships with children. Men need relationships with fellow Christian men. Men need to treat women properly—whoever they are: mother, wife, sister in Christ—and use intimacy appropriate to that place. Men—if married—have a responsibility to properly raise their children in the fear and instruction of the Lord and to daily pray for their salvation. All of this should be done in love.

Be strong. Second Timothy 2:1 says, “You, therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.” We are to be strong—not primarily physically, but more so spiritually—in the grace of God. We must trust that grace as more powerful than anything we possess. God is good, and in Him is everything we need. This is love for God.

Do I do everything in love? How can I improve? Will I? Am I a Biblical man? How can I improve?

God, help me to be a man. A real man. A man after Your own heart. I read Proverbs 31 today as well—December 31—, and if I’m to find that woman, I must be a Biblical man myself. I love You, Lord. You’ve shown me much this year, and grown me too. Never let my life regress. Use me, God, to further Your kingdom. Thanks for grace and loving me first.

Resolved 2013

So, before I get into 2013, I want to recap 2012. I wanted to read the Bible through twice, finish the rough draft of my novel, Stranded, and finish my CD, L.I.L.F.Y.T.R.. I read the Bible three times, finished two drafts of the novel, and finished and am currently selling my CD.

So, with that said, 2013 could be successful as well. Except that my biggest goal is not to finish anything. Rather it is to start several things. It's also more of a prayer than a resolution.

Here goes:

"God, 2013 is upon me now. I have no idea what it holds for me or my family or my friends. I have no idea how it will affect my future. But I do know that You know it completely already so I can trust You in it wholeheartedly.

"That's easy to say, but not so easy to do. Give me the grace to trust You completely everyday. Help me get to know You more. Help me grow more in love with You. So much so that my current love looks like apathy in comparison. I need You LORD. Help me remember this everyday.

"I need Your help to be sexually pure this whole year. Let it be the first year of purity that continues for the rest of my life. Help me learn true purity. Just not losing my virginity is not enough. Just not doing things with girls is not enough. Just not looking at arousing images is not enough. I want to be pure; not half dirty. 1 John 1:9 says that the blood of Jesus cleanses me from all sin. I want to be cleansed of this sin this year. I can't do it alone though. I need Your help. Help me remember to run to You in time of need.

"In addition, keep me from pursuing any 'relationships' this year. I need to focus solely on You and grow in love towards you before I can ever hope to lead a woman. My flesh would love to meet someone. Help me overcome this. I need You, not a distraction. If she (the one) comes into my life this year, so be it, just don't let me pursue her until 2014. Give me the grace to accomplish this task.

"Finally, I want to learn what it means to be a biblical man. Help me find this in my Bible reading this year. Help me grow in this area. Men should not be selfish, so help me put on a selfless attitude. Men should not covet what they do not have, so help me learn contentment in You. Men should not be angry about nothing, so help me learn self-control. Help me learn more about what it means to be a man as well. Please give me the grace for all of this as well.

"God, I really hope this can all be a reality. It will be a huge struggle and a daily fight, but please give me the grace to accomplish all of this.

"Sincerely,

"Josh Wingerd"

Well, there's my resolution. I'll be updating my blog this year with thoughts, findings, and experiences of grace from this year.

Have a happy 2013.

Soli Deo Gloria.